Luahan Rasa

In the name of Allah. The most Gracious, the most merciful .


Being a good sister is not what i'm capable of but i try my best. I don't have a little sister to be annoyed with and do all the girly things but, Alhamdulillah, to have my elder sister is more than enough * i can't believe i wrote this ! * HAHA . We used to fight over stupid things and she was once my first death note list. err, seriously. But things change. People always said that to me:

" Nad, tau tak, kalau masa kecik kecik kita tak rapat dengan adik beradik, nanti besar kita lah paling rapat "

I somehow don't believe with this statement but time proves this to me.  We have our on way when we got into secondary school. Me with hostel life in Balik Pulau and she with her nusrsing study and i can barely remember what we have for our eid for few years. We don't really spend our time together and for few years, I don't feel like I have a sister. No sisterhood in my life. What I remember, I love my three monsters at home and I even named each of them with different name HAHA. Well, people don't really know that I have this kind of habit. Naming your things with cute names, maybe? HAHA The three monsters is my three little brothers. and yes, things change when she become a nurse a year ago and I got into RCMP.

So, as we can see, I'm the kak ngah in the family. Second daughter out of five. Alhamdulillah. My parents also the second daughter and son . All my cousins will call the pak ngah and mak ngah :) heee. Beautiful coincidence that make me feel special. errr HAHA. And every each of us have a story behind our birth date.
My sister was born a day before christmas and nothing is significant about that :P . I was born 5 days before my parents anniversary. see ! another beautiful coincidence :p ! Nadzrul was born on Eidul Adha. Najmi was born the same day as my mum birthday and the smallest Nazrin was born two months earlier than expected. erk. Yup, he was born at 7 months old with a lot of complications but Alhamdulillah, he survived healthly and active :')

Well, this is not the story I want to tell. This is not the luahan rasa that I feel. I'm a daughter with high expectation from my parents. They expect me the most and to be perfect in everything. I grow up with the feeling of not to make the they dissapointed with me. My sister was a naughty when she was kid so my parents so so so sad about her and I have this kind of feeling that I should not make they feel that anymore.
I don't want the worry about me. So I tend to solve my own problems. I grew up in this way and matured.

Until there is a part where I can't hold them anymore. The problems are too much and i will end up crying till I sleep. I don't usually tell story with my family. The feeling of inferiority and I maybe will put them in trouble so I decide to solve them on my own.

Stress is my best friend and sometimes I don't notice that saya sebanarnya sangat tengah stress until my body react uncomfortably. So, sejak masuk RCMP ni, saya terasa stressnya bila almost every week saya akan demam. Dan, jarangnya saya bagitahu kat parents. iyelah. Risau pulak nanti. Cukuplah sekali saya buat mereka risau waktu itu.

Okay, apa yang saya nak luahkan sebenarnya, kalau sesiapa sahaja yang berada di tempat saya pasti ada kawan kawan yang akan tolong. Bukan saya tiada kawan. Ramai. Tapi saya ada trust issue. erk. satu lagi masalah. And bila saya dapat luahkan kat Iman and semalam kat kak hidayah, I'm quite proud of myself.

Saya tak tahu kenapa tapi, bila orang buat baik dengan saya, saya mudah jatuh hati dengan kebaikkan orang. Saya bukan jenis orang yang suka bercerita dengan masalah. Jadi bila ada orang dapat tahu saya ada masalah, saya akan mudah menghargai mereka. It shows that how concern they are. Bila perempuan, it's okay for them to show their concern tapi bukan lelaki. Tidak mengapa untuk saya suka perempuan itu sebab kebaikkan dia tapi apabila lelaki, saya keliru.

iye. Suka itu satu fitrah, satu perasaan yang Allah kurniakan. Tapi perlu disalurkan sebaiknya. Kita tidak boleh mengawal kebaikkan orang. Dari sesiapa sekali pun. Saya mudah terharu. dan perasaan itu buat saya rasa bersalah. Allahurabbi. Setiap kali perasaan itu datang, saya beristghfar panjang. Mungkin niat mereka memang ingin membuat kebaikkan, mengambil berat sebagai sahabat, tapi saya yang mudah terasa dengan kebaikkan orang. erk. macam mana ni ?

Jujurnya, susah ada perasan macam ni tambah tambah bila orang yang tahu kita ada masalah tu dekat dengan kita dan kita tahu perasaan ni salah. Saya kerap berkata kata sendirian. Macam mana saya suka Iman, sebab dia tahu saya ada masalah and dia direct je tnya setiap perubahan saya. Tiada masalah sebab Iman itu perempuan, tapi kalau Iman tu lelaki ?  apa saya nak buat ?

Saya keliru sebenarnya. Bersalah. Kenapa mesti orang sebegitu?

Wallahua'lam